Category: Let's talk
Hi all,
I was chatting recently with a few people I know and a few interesting questions came up. This is a group of devs i.e. devotees. Girls who are attracted to disability. I was a bit uncertain when I first met them, but I have overall found them to be an awesome group so far, and not just sex-crazed fetishists either! They often have emphasised the point that disability is an attraction but the other pieces have to fit together.
But I say that just as an intro to my actual questions.
If you were on a dating site and creating a profile, would you disclose your blindness? Or would you wait until you had exchanged a few messages with a potential partner first? Or would you not tell them until the first meeting? Why or why not?
Any experiences you all have had would be great...I'm deciding which road to take, myself.
On a related note, would you want a sighted partner to tell you if they were attracted to disability i.e. a dev? How would that effect things for you? I'm fascinated lol.
Me
Attracted to disabilities? That's a new one on me. Interesting.
You know.
I've written it plainly in my profile, or the section when you are describing yourself.
I've also not written it there.
I seem to get the same response when it finally comes up in conversation. "Oh, I didn't know you were blind? How did you join that site and write your profile and upload your picture?
Are you really blind?"
These are first reactions. I don't think people really read all that hard work you put in to your dating profile, sad to say. They look at the picture, sometimes age, and that's that. Lol
So, saying that, I guess it doesn't matter.
I'd tell them before we met however. That save you some time, because in most cases, until you say you're blind, things are on, but soon as you do, this changes things drasticly, and they most times won't meet you.
It won't be because your blind of course, but.... Lol
Telling them after you meet waste your time. You could be metting someone that doesn't care instead.
Now, as to someone telling me if they've got some sort of disability, I don't really care, as long as the disability doesn't change the things they said they like, or would be willing to do.
An example, if a girl said she loved to ride bikes, but when we met, she's got no legs, well. Lol
I guess all that is why people rely on pictures.
I also don't want a girl to tell me she's 125 pounds, and when we meet, she's actually 225 and must different then she's claimed.
This happens as well.
The picture, or description you were given, doesn't match the person.
I played around with dating sites a bit a few years ago. In that time, I found that if I disclosed my blindness in my profile, matches closed me before I ever got to communicate with them. Or, on other sites, I never got any communications, period. So I learned not to disclose it until I'd exchanged a few messages with someone first, so they had to get to know me on some other basis than that. It never got as far as actually meeting anyone from those sites, but if it had, I'd planned to tell them before I ever met them in person. I have no problem not disclosing with an employer till an in-person interview, but wouldn't be comfortable with that in a potential dating relationship. As far as this devotee idea, I've heard of it, but no, I'd not want to date someone who was one. I understand finding a person attractive for other characteristics, but because of disability? I guess to each their own, but I don't get it, and wouldn't want someone attracted to me based on that. Well, they say it takes all kinds to make up this world...
All I can say is that the more I read about stuff like this, the more grateful I am that I no longer have to worry about the dating scene!
I too, had experienced with the dating sites. I do though, put it on my profile. Not necesarry that i'm blind, but i'm a Guidedog User, and have a picture of me with my Guidedog. It is up to the individual to read the profile, and to know the person from the profile. People that connected with me, usually do read the profile, and do know that i'm a guidedog user, but they didn't know how blind, or partial am i. After a few chats, and they still didn't realize that i'm blind, then, usually, those people are not serious to know me, and not serious to read my profile anyway. I think, how you word your profile is also very important. Do you just word it as "Hi, i'm such and such, i'm blind, and use the cane and or the dog, i love everything related to blindness, and i have lots of blind friend, and everything about me is about my blindness..." or, "I'm such and such, i like this and that and those, i do this and that and the other things, and i like to do tthis and that and all other things on my spare time... And, oh, i'm also, blind, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying life..."
Excellent point, Joanne.
I have done both in my past dating experiences. I generally follow Alicia's approach since
being too up front will limit the pool of interest, but it is not a secret I wish to spring on
someone at the first meeting. I used to not disclose until we met in person, but that
generally will backfire, so integrating it into your conversation or profile but downplaying
it and highlighting one's personal interests, strengths or values is far more important. The
guide dog would be an excellent ice breaker to introduce the subject of blindness, for
sure.
On the subject of devs, I personally would not find that attractive. I would want to be
desired for my personal qualities as a person, regardless of disability. However, there is a
fairly decently sized segment of the female population who I would characterize as the
caregiving type, who may not actively seek out disability but are compassionate and open
to the idea, even if they do not realize this ahead of time. This may lead them to seek out
a relationship where the balance of power swings in their favor since they volunteer or
desire to caretake. This is a dangerous precedent if one gets involved in such a
relationship, I speak from personal experience here. It is important to ascertain whether
someone has a true respect and appreciation for a person with a disability, valuing and
promoting their independence, or whether there are ulterior motives. I understand I am
going off on a soap box here, and it's not really related to the topic of devotees, but I
mention it here because I believe this is an important consideration one must think about
when a guy finds a female partner who is almost too eager to accept his disability. Just
food for thought.
When I was younger I would have written off a devotee immediately. However, were I
single and in that situation now, I think I would be openminded a bout exploring that
situation, as well as some others.
Here's the thing: we have this uber cool semireligious dualism, where you're supposed to
be attracted to nonphysical things more than physical. Sure, some physical things change
with age, and others do not. And, if you're looking for something in a relationship other
than the nuclear model, aka marriage, 1.8 kids, a white picket fence and a double
mortgage, and a heart attack in 30 years, then maybe some of these other experiences
could be beneficial.
And, in point of fact, the Wife said that She "always knew: that the :one: She would be
with was blind. She wisely did not tell me this right up front, not for months in fact. She is
not a devotee, but took it as a sign from the god, in this case, one of several. I have
never experienced such signage, except in this case being the signage lol, but anyhow, I
think all these things take different forms. Theres this cookie cutter model where you're
supposed to lie to yourself and everyone else that you're primary interest is in nonphysical
characteristics, and all the physical ones are fleeting and shallow. That simply isn't true
though. Her characteristics that I find attractive, will be with Her until She isn't anymore.
And as to those nonphysical characteristics you coolies are so trendily attracted to, in just
the right way, so as to be properly sensitive and modern? All of those characteristics are
one head injury away from being gone for good. You think it's so deep? One gunshot, one
accident, and that smart, witty, sense you love to tell all the uber friends about how deep
you were by being attracted to that and not the body? Gone. And the body could still be
intact. In point of fact, they come from the brain which is no more and no less than a very
delicate part of the body.
I think we don't always know what attracts us. Hell, I've been married 21 years and still
find things new that are attractive, some of them not apparently physical, and yes, uber
snoots, some of them are in fact physical. Bodies, and the brains they house, and the
minds housed in the brains, all go through changes. I am not the dualist that so many
popular kiddies are, and so I make no real distinction bwtween body and mind. Not the
way that is so pop culture anyhow.
So yes, I think in another scenario, it might be possible I could be open minded to some
different experiences, provided it was with a woman, since my biology doesn't, ahem,
respond that way towards anyone but women.
Sure, it rings a few bells for me when I hear someone is attracted to disabilit. It kind of resonates with the whole I want to be aknowledged for who I am not because I'm blind.
We all have a lot of characteristics that sometimes happen to be disabilities or impairments so why should we think differently about them than geekiness or long hair. I don't think I'd like to date someone who only thought about my blindness or any other one trade I happen to have but there's usually something that hooks the attention in the first place. I think it's sort of like Leo was saying we are attracted to physical characteristics and they do matter. However they're not everything. The deeper emotional stuff comes with time and work.
As for the disclosure of blindness I don't know. I have no experience with dating sites but I like the idea of having a picture with you and your guiddog on the profile. To me that shows a kind of pride and security with yourself as an able blind person. Sure it probably puts some people off but hey.
I totally agree with Victor. What i found that, through last experience, even with me, being somewhat partial, i found that, i would have authomaticly want to be the caregiving person. I'll look out for my blind friends, and things like that. Till one day, one of my close friend point it out that my behaviour is not quite acceptable in his view, because, he is, as independent as i am, if not more. I suppose, when i did it, it was, just, some female/motherly./caring instinct, not to meant to put another person down or anything. And, i'm not talking about a relagionship/loveship, just, with some friends, during socializing.
I will have problems if someone come out to me and say, "hey, the reason why we are dating because i am attracted to you because you are blind, or have a disability." For some, that could be totally fine, but, i can't accept that kind of logic, if there is logic in it. You need to attract to me for what i am, not because i'm blind, or sighted, or Asian, or, because, i'm a guide dog user...
I've never met anyone that was interested in me due to me being blind.
I never make a big deal about it in my profiles.
I add it in my description, and move on.
I think I might find it interesting to date someone that was. I wonder what it be like, kind of.
I would not date anyone who was specifically interested in me for disability's sake; as someone said earlier, either people are attracted to me cause of personality traits and such that I possess, or not at all. or, if someone was attracted to me cause of the disabilities I have, I'd hope they'd keep it to themselves, cause I don't wanna hear about it.
I do wonder if the person could be taught anything.
I also wonder what that experience might feel like?
How does a person act, or treat you if they are first interested in your due to your being blind?
Is it the same to say blind people that choose other blind people are that way? I'd not think so, but maybe?
I'm assuming the other person is sighted, so after they've dated you for a time, and you've shown them all your gadgets, and such, and they are use to you, and them, what comes next?
but Wayne, this topic is not talking about whether people are interested in you for having the particular characteristics you have, or what have you. this topic is talking about people who are, or could be, attracted to a person for the disabilities he or she has.
personally, I find nothing good about that, cause people don't get to know you for you, nor can they get to know you for you, when their primary focus is your disability.
Right. And I wonder what that feel like.
I don't suppose they'd flat out tell you "I am interested in you because you're blind."
Okay, so they've got that part. How would that feel on my side of the coin?
How would they treat me?
Could they start to appreciate other aspects of me, or not?
A couple things here. Joann,e the times I have put it in my profile that I was blind, it was one of the last things I say, after talking about my personality traits, interests and hobbies, what I like to do, etc. It was not the focal point of my profile, just as it's not the focal point of my life. Even then, I still found that most people were not interested. The only exception to this was when I went through a curious phase about other women in the mid 2000's. I found that on the LGBT sites, other women I talked with didn't care about the blindness issue, didn't close me out or stop communicating when I told them. I'm not quite sure what that says about dating sites, but it was a very definite pattern I found.
Wayne, what do you mean by asking if this devotee phenomenon applies to a blind person who chooses another blind person? I think not. For example, I'm engaged to a blind man, but my attraction to him wasn't because he was blind. It's because he has so many things I had been looking for in a man in personality, beliefs, and yes, physically too. He simply happens to be blind.
From a sighted perspective, if you mention it in your description but don't
dwell on it, it can be a good thing for an open minded person... in as much
as a visual impairment wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, having a mobility
impairment (i.e. wheel chair user) would be and it would be good to know
right off the bat what I may be dealing with.
I'm definitely not anti-wheelchair, but rather the limitations that the chair
brings with it is an issue that I'm not willing to negotiate on, just as much as
I wouldn't consider dating someone who smokes, has a back hair, or does
recreational drugs or has children... it's simply personal preference.
I'm definitely NOT a dev for the visually impaired... seeking someone out
because they're [add a characteristic here] is just weird, in my opinion... that
said, if it makes someone happy and isn't hurting anyone, then who am I to
judge? I have had lots of experience dealing with people with low vision (my
Mom only has useful vision in the left half of her field of vision in both eyes),
so it's become old hat/second nature for me to make sure that things run
smoothly and as such isn't an issue for me.
When Ed_G and I first met (via a "looking for pen pals post" I put on the
water cooler section of the AFB website), it didn't really occur to me that he's
visually impaired... I knew subconsciously that he was blind, given that he
told me in his first email where he found my email address, but for the most
part the fact that he can't see didn't cross my mind when we were first
chatting with each other and often times I will forget that he can't see when
we're out and about.
What my thoughts were sister was on this.
I am a blind man. I was married to a sighted woman for a long time.
Before her I dated bblind women and sighted all the same.
After my divorce, I wondered if it might be a good thing to look for a blind women.
I wondered if a relationship might produce a few less snags I had in my relationship with a sighted woman.
An example of these snags were.
1. When riding in the car, she'd express the wish I could see so she'd not have to drive.
2. If you could see, we'd be able to do better financially.
3. When I asked her to do something specific that required the use of her sight, she'd respond, "What if I couldn't see, what would you do?" Or "I shouldn't have to do that, or be asked because I can see."
Now, I understand these issues were abusive in nature, and no reflection on my ability.
All, accept the driving, were unfounded or unfair due to the fact her sighted friends sighted husbands were doing less for there wives. Go figure.
They could see right, so how come there wives didn't live in nice homes, or drive nice cars?
Saying all this, connecting with a blind woman seemed to me to be a better idea. These issues couldn't come up.
I also have talked to other blind persons that will not date a sighted person, because they feel many issues won't come up.
So, would a blind persons desire to stick to a blind person be seen as the same as a sighted persons interested in a blind person only because they were blind be the same?
I've since dated sighted and blind women, so personally I didn't stick to my resolve.
But, I was interested in this idea at one time.
Yes Alicia, it is exactly what i said. It is how you show your blindness that count. Not only on your profile, but in life as well. I have contacts that go "oh, poor me, i'm blind, and no one wants to date me. " To, "hey, i have a life, i have work, and i have a sighted partner with 2 sighted kids and 3 cats and 4 dogs and oh, by the way, I'm blind."... Is how you present yourself that matter. After all, how you present yourself to others, also in some way, speak volume about what sort of person you are. Of course, unless you are some sort of cyber cheaters, that have few different faces...
I think there're a few different thing here. Blind people that actively seek for other blind people are no different than say, some minority group that only want to involve with their own little community. This is not just happen with blind community, it happen with religion, ethic, race, and other communities too.
Now, the original of this topic is talk about for those that is so call, "able body people" that have some unique interest on dating someone with a disability. I know some "able body" people that have some interest on people with disability, but they dating someone with a disability because of their caractoristics and the unique personality of that individual, rather than their disability. Some people may be attracted on people with disability, because of the uniqueness of the individual, their strength and other abilities beyond their disability, rather than, dating them for the sake of, well, he or she has disability, lets date him/her.
yes, it's a new one on me too - people attracted to disability, wow! That's pretty sick actually.
people seeking out others cause of disabilities they have is not the same as people who are blind dating others who are blind.
it was specifically stated in the first post of this topic that people who are interested in being with others due to their disability, are interested in only that aspect of people, as it relates to their dating prospects.
however, if blind people happen to date other blind people, one's blindness is not the thing that's sought after, but rather, the characteristics that each person has, are what form their mutual attraction to one another, or not.
I think the fundamental issue here is not really blindness itself but rather the outlook towards blindness. Of course, none of us want to date someone who gets attracted to us for something that is negative or perceived as a weekness. We want to be accepted for who we are, the whole package not only a single aspect of our person. I think the more interesting question is, how do we get attracted to each other rather than how don't we want to attract other people.
Do you mean, how do blind people get attracted to each other over others, or are you asking generally how we get attracted to each other as people?
Hi guys,
Thanks for the fascinating replies! In defence of those who are attracted to disability, they have actually been a very welcoming bunch and I've met a few good people there. They are attracted to disability but that is not the only attraction they have, f that makes sense. Of course there are bad ones in every batch but I have to say at no time have I felt uncomfortable for put under a microscope. I do find the community a bit insular at times, just as ours can be. But overall its been great. No luck so far though! :D
Me
Bermuda I'm a heretic and a heathen through and through, so I'd agree. People are attracted to tall, dark and handsome. The problem is these children who think they can decide for other people what should or shouldn't attract people. I happen to really like tall women with great graceful wingspans. I happen to be in a LTR -- married to one. Is that a "tall woman fetish?" I guess, if people started being all childish and eewy and claiming that it was somehow wrong to be attracted to such.
But all attractions are just that: attractions. Of course relationships, I've heard even short term hookups, are way more than this. Human beings are just way too multidimensional for just "one thing." It's impossible for us. You remember that ridiculous fake "fact" that went around, claiming men think about sex every seven seconds? Technically impossible. Our minds are just too damned busy. Don't believe me? Try sitting still and meditating: most can't. I'm in the "can't" category there too. because our minds, our selves, are so multifaceted and multidimensional you're noticing every little thing all over the place.
And when you enter into a relationship you think is hot? What happens? You notice all these little things you never notice with other people. You pay attention to stuff with that person that is far more detailed than you do with other people. We're just way too multifaceted for this to be what a lot of people are imagining, or maybe fantasizing, that it is. It's just an attraction. You all are telling me you have never been attracted to what the other person thought was a "blemish" of theirs, or something they never thought others would find attractive? I confess I have, and it's come upon me quite by accident. But since we're all human and multifaceted, of course the relationship is way more complex than one thing. A little ice on the attraction police's parade, I guess.
What if we have say an opesit sinarial, where, blind people attractive to sighted people,
because they got a car, they can take care of the blind people etc? What would that be
then?
I've actually knows some blind people exactly like this.
I have a friend that will not date a blind women. He's blind. Smile.
So, speaking of on-line dating, What sites do yall use? I can't remember if I've posted it anywhere on here or not so before anyone who kknows me gets his or her panties in a twist, I'm getting divorced. The ink will be dry by the end of January. While I'm not looking for a new "serious" relationship, I'd love to go out on date and meet people when the kidlet visits his dad. The biggest thing I've noticed is everyone is obsessed with picutres. Of course this makes sense because we live in a sighted world bla bla bla. I hav a picture that a friend took specifically for sharing but the sucky part is when a guy sends me a pic and wants to know immediately what I think, even if I've already disclosed that I'm blind. Duh. lol Anyway, back to my original question, what sites do yall use. I've got a profile on match.com and have gotten several message. I feel bad though because I'm not going to pay the $40 they want for the first month to retreave and respond to them. Free my ass. lol
I knew a guy like that in college. Discovered he couldn't date his blind girlfriend anymore because he thought they'd "hold each other back." They'd already started living together months earlier when he sprung this on her -- just as her mother died of cancer. I asked him about this once, why he thought this way. What made him so damned special since a sighted woman could easily do the same thing to him? His response always came down to the fact that he wanted someone who could drive. Even he admitted this didn’t make any sense because he couldn’t drive either, so he was in no way superior to his former girlfriend in this respect. A sighted woman could just as easily reject him for the same set of reasons. Wonder whatever became of him. Last I knew, he’d been married and divorced in relatively short order, after going through a series of exclusively sighted girlfriends.
Joanne, it would be called an attraction. And many north American women are not attracted to men once they find out the man makes less money than she does. Everyone excuses and accepts this.
D.B. I have a suggestion: Meetup.com
Here's what I mean. I have started going to meetups for my "own kind," as it were: freethinking atheists, political contrarians, casual musicians, and of course beer drinkers. Now, I see hookups happening left and right. I've got the magic untouchable sign on myself, e.g. the wedding ring, so my personal foray has only been casual, and the occasional gentlemanly decline of flirtation, but I have had the chance to be, well, shall we say supportive? of a few people "getting together" that I've known about.
You do Meetup, you're likely to get together with groups of people that are similar to you, perhaps in age, but certainly in responsibility levels. And Meetup groups are anything but an echo chamber. Well the ones I happen to frequent anyway. It's a great way to hook up with people for all kinds of reasons and I'm not gonna lie, at least among those I hang out with, I see the occasional "interaction." It's not like being in school where all the kids are trying to "do the relationship the right way," or comparing notes on who can be most <insert your characteristic> how. It's just a way for people in your own community to get together. And the Meetup app works great too. The site's a bit laggish but I use it mainly on my iPhone. Some of the ratings I haven't figured out, but most people just use it to find out where to hook up for what event.
Pretty cool, actually. And while I'm on the outside looking in, as it were, when it comes to relationships / hookups, I've seen my share of them start and stop depending on what the participants in question are in to.
One reason I'm glad to be back in the city: that isolation was so terribly lonely.
Guess you just placed an add on a great site Domestic already. Smile.
I can't remember what I've used, but the land scape has changed. Do a search, and see.
I always though most were free for women, so I'm glad to note Match.com has started to charge you all too. Lol
I have found my last two girlfriends using okcupid.com. It isn't super accessible but can be used if you work at it.
I don't see anything wrong with not wanting to date someone who is blind based on your situation. Where I live does not have great public transpertation so it would be dificult to date someone who can not drive, there for I will not date a blind person in my area. If I lived somewhere like New York with good public transet though I would not be aposed to dating a blind person although I would not specifically seek them out.
Cool idea about meetups. Thanks. Geez, by the way, please excuse all the typos in that last message. My hands must have been cold.
Ah, now we know she's got cold hands. How about her feet?
Smile.
My feet are very cutely decorated in Dallas Cowboy Silver and Blue at present. So there. pffft lol
And your nose? Is it cold or warm? Hmm?
Now, excuxe me, but what are Dallas Cowboy Silver and Blue? Boots, shoes, socks?
I'd not guess you've got big strong young men on each now do you?
Toenails, silly. I guess I should have been more specific.
Ah, apedicure!
Pretty.
But, yes, specific would help. I’m a man, you know.
Smile.
And your nose? Cold, wet, like that?
Actually, nothing is cold right now, not my hands, not my nose, and not my pretty blue and silver toes. Boy, I sure did find a way to highjack this thread. Sorry about that. hehehehehe
Woohoo.
Smile.
Why doesn't this site come out and advertise as a dating site in part?
Why doesn't this site come out and advertise as a dating site in part?
If you do a search for it, you'll find it under dating for the blind actually.
How about that.
And, if people find what they want on here, be it love or short-term hookup or what have you, then why not? Lol don't have to advertise it as such if they don't want though. People meet and mate in all kinds of places, so why not here?
Totally agreed Leo. My previous post didn't really have a well thought out deeper meaning to it, lol.
I met my partner on an international dating website called loveawake.com.
When I signed up I deliberately did not disclose my blindness and I also selected pictures where you couldn't see the fact that I had only one eye, and that my right eye looked very strange because of my condition.
I did this for one very important reason. My blindness does not, and never will, define anything about who I am as a person. I am a person who just can't see well, and as far as I am concerned, that is the end of the importance blindness has in my life.
When I want people to get to know me therefore, I don't particularly want one of the first things they know about me to be something that I consider unimportant and dull. I would rather that they know i love to travel, that I am a musician, an atheist, that I play chess and am left wing.
There are so many other important aspects to my personality that blindness is exceptionally insignificant to me.
Also the fact that I am blind just doesn't help me on a dating site. Blindness has unfortunate stereotyping which I just don't conform to. So the last thing I want is for people to assume things about me that are totally untrue.
When I started messaging people on the website,
I would always wait until contact got more than just exchanging messages on the site. If we both wanted to have off site contact, then there was something worth exploring, and I would usually tell them then.
In the case of my current partner, we met on this site and he sent me a message saying he loved my profile but would like to see my eyes better because he liked that about a girl. We exchanged messages and ended up on skype talking for 8 hours. I told him during this conversation because it felt right to me. He was quiet for a few seconds and then said 'there's no such thing as a perfect human being'.
we've considered ourselves together from that day.
He admited himself that he might have ignored my profile if he had known I was blind, because of the stereotypes out there. so I think I did the right thing.
If someone were attracted to my disability, I would have issues with this, mostly because it's so unimportant to me that I would be slightly disturbed if someone else found this minor detail cause for attraction.
Peristroika described exactly how I feel about people being attracted to my disability, when she said, "if someone were attracted to my disability, I would have issues with this, mostly because it's so unimportant to me that I would be slightly disturbed if someone else found this minor detail cause for attraction."
in some ways, blindness is not a minor thing. when it comes to people getting to know me though, I'd much rather them be attracted to me cause of the numerous other things that are represented through my personality.
I meant minor in the sense that, if someone asks me to tell them 20 facts about me, the fact that I am blind will not make it on that list. it probably wouldn't make a list of 50 important or interesting things about me.
hmmm I sea an interesting topic from this.
Agree with post 29 on meetup.com. Search the site for groups on topics of interest, and venues you can easily attend. I used to attend a Cribbage players' group that also became a spontaneous divorce and widdohood support group; lol. I also heard the occasional pairing off for more intimate conversation not involving a Cribbage board, exes, or kids. Would any of you consider posting personals on Craigslist? They're free of charge, and free-form. To provide an illusion of safety, Craigslist anonymizes the email addresses for you.
I've read the cl ads for fun. If you're looking for a hooker or some weed, craigslist is the place to go, apparently.
Perestroika, I figured that was what you meant, and that's exactly how it is for me; blindness does not make it on the list of things that I talk about, when people are getting to know me. there are far more interesting things to discuss; things that I'd say do make up who I am.
Hmm, this topic is very interesting... Ok so, I totally understand the thing about blindness not being a huge deal but yes it is a part of who I am so I would put it somewhere in my dating profile. One, because I am confident enough to do so and two because if it is a deal braker for someone why waste my time? I will say however that it is not the first or the last thing I say, it's just kind of casually thrown in there because I feel like it's a casual part of me. Ya know, the whole "and I happen to be blind" thing. Like Joanne, I too have a picture of me walking with my guide dog, but let's be clear, it's not simply to show her off, it's a really good photo complete with full makeup (because I like wearing it), my hair blowing in the wind and a cute outfit (because I like dressing up). I don't remember where I was going that day, but either way, it's not just a regular old picture. Through my profile one can tell that I have an active life, like to have fun and am a very chill person. If they choose to dwell on blindness, that's not my issue, they probably aren't the one for me. I also make it clear that I am interested in libral open-minded people. The last thing I'd want to do is really start to like someone for them to say, "Oh your blind, and then suddenly end all comunication. So I just lay it all out there. Oh and, if someone is alergic to or afraid of dogs that's a deal breaker, so better let them see her right away.
I'm totally with you on this.
I don't want someone deciding.
In my experience, they will sometimes try, but down the road it doesn't work for them.
That is fair, but that needs to be known up front.
Your picture tells them your race, size, and many other things they may or may not want, so why not add this?
Going along with that idea, I would love to just give the politically correct notion that people should only care about what's on the inside, but the truth is that most people don't. Blindness is a physical characteristic, like hair color, race etc. even though these things do not determine who I am as a person, people judge based on them and they usually want to know about the physical before anything else. If you would put a picture of yourself on the internet, why hide your blindness? If the relationship has the potential of going anywhere they will find out about it anyway. I'm not saying you should smack them in the face with it, but don't go out of your way to hide it either.
Totally agree Forereel
DG here are some dating sites that I've either tried or heard good things about:
OKCupid; Plenty of Fish; Zoosk; and Skout.
Tinder, Meet up and Hinge are great for random hookups when you need to get your rocks off.
For Apps where you have to swipe you can either just swipe right for them all and see how many matches you get and go from there or you can ask a friend. Either way works.
Good luck! :)
Tough Sweetheart, the science is with you on this. I understand that modern social justice movements often throw science out the window almost as fast as Creationists do, but we are attracted biologically to things that demonstrate fitness.
How many of yu would be falling all over yourself attracted to a voice that was totally breathless, sounded like they couldn't get air, sounded like they had just run a 10K, and you knew they'd just walked a few yards? Knowing nothing else about the person, I mean. Just the physical attraction.
Google Sexy Science or check the vids on Youtube for an introduction. Humans and other primates do have attraction to symmetry and other fitness-based characteristics in prospective mates, and it doesn't matter the gender or the orientation, despite what all the cool kids / softheads are talking about. And the new soft thinking has been around at least 30 years or more, well more if you connect it with the religious dualistic thinking.
And among humans we are actually attracted to intelligence, even with the 'Murican culture that likes to pretend to love ignorance. We like wit, ability to both plan and be spontaneous, ability to have a good time, steadiness of mindset, all kinds of things that only exist with highly evolved and intelligent reatures. At least when we're looking for long-term mates. resourcefulness
This whole dualistic mind/body thinking which pervades religious / 3rd-wave-feminist dogma is ridiculous. So beauty fades with time. So does memory. I'm only in my 40s, work in a field where I exercise my brain a lot, do things outside of work that stretch my brain a lot, and yet I don't remember things the way I did at 20. And every one of us is one car accident away from physical ugliness, if you will, and one head injury away from serious personality changes. That doesn't change what we're attracted to to begin with. If yo you want to use the term "objectify," we probnably do "objectify" bodies, success in males, and other things, but we also "objectify" parts of bodies, namely brains. If a woman gets breast cancer, her attractive breasts may be no more. If a man gets prostate cancer, something else isn't going to work anymore either. And if either one or both get brain cancer and survive, their witty part, or their resourceful part, or their rocksteady part, could be gone forever. That doesn't change the fact that something in another person attracts you to them, or something in you attracts them to you. There's a lot of people on the planet. Somehow, that other person has to see that it's you they want, and not someone else. If you're the only white guy in a bar full of Asians, and someone wants to hang out with a white dude for the evening, you're gonna be that for the night unless you refuse. I was in that situation in japan in 1990. Several times, in fact. But I understood why: After all, in the U.S. I am not really a high-ranking male, the same kinds of girls in the U.S. would normally elbow past the nerdy keyboard guy like me to get to the lead guitar player. It's just how it works.
I know I'm pretty unorthodox in my thinking about these things these days. But I'm not trying to win at dogma-conformity contests anymore.
Thanks for the suggestions. The ink is now dry.
the problem with blindness is that there are too many dumb stereotypes out there, and also blind people who are not independent enough to really cope with the outside world. what I don't want is people seeing that I am blind and automatically thinking that I fit into one of these categories. The blind people my partner has come into contact with before me have been like that, so if the situations were reversed, I could totally understand why he might ignore my profile.
I don't use a guidedog because I haven't needed one. I do use a cane, but more so for the benefit of other people. I can certainly survive without it in a familiar area. However I am not going to put a picture of me walking along with my cane on my dating profile, because no one is going to get the right idea from that.
Sorry, there are dumb stereotypes about everything.
I remember when I ran a coffeeshop, my barrista found out me and several programmers got together for a party. She asked, "What do a bunch of programmers do at a party? Isn't it, um," {she probably blushed, certainly paused}, "Well, boring?"
Of course, only 10% of career software developers meet the so-called "nerd" stereotypes: poor communication, one-dimensional interests, no dates, etc.
Plenty of software developers enjoy sports, beer, books, movies, and anything else everyone else does. And plenty are in long-term relationships with kids and the house and all.
I hate the stereotypes about my profession worse than I hate the blind stereotypes, because the ones re: my profession are more well-known and accepted in society. So much so, in fact, that it seems some hipster kiddies try to play up these stereotypes as though they were a badge of honor, when the rest of us run from them. Sort of like how white kids a few years ago would play up the worst stereotypes of black gangsters to "fit in", while African Americans you usually meet have none of those characteristics at all.
Just like no technology professionals I know are only capable of mumbling semicoherently about video games or science fiction and nothing else. These aren't really stereotypes: Stereotypes are generally true. I fit a lot of stereotypes of the average middle-aged lower-middle-class white guy, which are generally true. But these, which are generally false, are more caricatures than anything else. Almost a work of fiction. It's the same with the blind, from what I've observed.
the problem that I find is that I have too many interests that people just consider un-blind.
One such example is my love for astronomy. I'm partially sighted, so I don't easily fit into any one category of stereotypes. I'm legally blind, but when I tell people that, they automatically assume things that just don't fit me.
I have a certificate for an amature astronomy cource I did at my local observatory, and I even used to work as a volunteer there.
I also used to get into astrophotography.
But if one of the first things people know about me is that I'm blind, it just challenges them too much and they have so many questions of the how and why of it all, that it leaves little room for getting to know one another on a mutual basis. Especially if one of my favourite pictures of myself is one of me working a telescope at the observatory.
This is one of my passions,
and the last thing I want is someone asking me all kinds of questions about it as it relates to blindness as opposed to someone discussing a mutual interest they might have with astronomy. The people I know, who taught me
to use telescopes understand what I can do and respect me, but everyone else just don't get it.
This is such an interesting topic. I've actually just come through and out the other side of dating websites. I didn't disclose my blindness until we started chatting properly. I didn't hide it, but nor did I come out and say "Hey, my name's Carly and I'm blind" on my profile either. Why? Because of a few reasons actually, and it took me a long time to analyse why I did it.
Firstly, blindness doesn't define me, and while I and others I know well accept that, sadly, the rest of society who has little experience with blind folks in general, doesn't. Therefore, you've got to play the game, you've got to help them a little. Otherwise you will have a lot of potential matches skip your profile because they are frightened or worried or just don't know how they would cope. Does that make them shallow or not worthwhile? nope. It makes them human with human failings. Never once on that website did I see someone's profile say "Hi, I'm Jimbob and I'm hugely obese!" Why? Because they also are playing the game where personality matters and the rest comes later.
Secondly, I don't like the stereotypes, and I guess that ties in with the first point quite nicely. Sometimes when I've dropped it into casual conversation, a cosy little chat turns from just that to something awkward and brittle. Sometimes they just stop replying. Sometimes they're forthright and tell me they're not up for it. Sometimes they ask me loads of questions and I'm then treated as a curiosity, and exhibit rather than a woman wanting more.
The guy that I ended up with had the most refreshing approach I'd seen in a long time. He treated the fact that I was blind with the same interest as though I'd told him I had scrambled eggs for breakfast, and that's how it's been all along. He doesn't really know what I can do or what I'll have difficulty with, but just assumes that I can do it all unless I tell him otherwise. He's a rare gem in that respect. Would he have by-passed my profile if I'd mentioned it on there? Even he doesn't know, but the fact that he doesn't know rather than being sure he wouldn't have done so speaks volumes to me.
Sometimes in the dating game, you've got to use different types of make-up to cover over what's seen as less than desirable, and I don't see why blindness should be viewed with more weight than anything else. If you don't want to cover it, then go ahead! Not everyone wears make up. If you do, you shouldn't be made to feel like less of a person for doing so. Different strokes for different folks is a good motto.
My partner admitted to me that he may well have passed over my profile if I had outright stated that I'm blind, not because he had any real problem with it, but because he could have put it in the 'too hard' basket, which is just somewhere you don't want to go on a dating site.
He got to know me first. he exchanged messages with me and we ended up on Skype, talking for ages, which is when I told him. by then he had realised that I wasn't defined by my disability, that he could talk to me, and that we had a lot in common. so I was worth his time and the blindness was a non-issue. Too his credit, he didn't spend time asking me all about it for hours on end. He went on the internet, read articles from decent sources and contacted the Swedish association for the blind.
He made an effort to educate himself before asking me questions about my specific needs and capabilities.
I am exceptionally lucky to have him.
Some people truly are good with this, others are not.
As I said, I've put it in, and it's gone totally missed. I've not put it in, but soon as I say after a few conversations, the girl drifts away.
Some have odd questions. I don't mind the questions if they are asked because a person wants to know, but I do mind them if they are trying to figure out how freaks got on this sight. Lol
It is catch and catch can.
I've noticed women when they are over weight as used in an example call themselves "big and beautiful." So, it does get in the profile.
Also, a persons size is simple to note if you can see the picture, provided, they've not posted a fake, or different picture.
I've had that too. I'll talk to a girl for a while, and pretty soon she'll tell me, "well, I'm not 140, I'm actually 275"
So, the dating game is what it is. You'll win some, you'll lose some
Here's an interesting fact I've learned. If you are speaking to another blind person, if you don't say your race, in my case, I'm black, soon as you do, the girl will tell you.
1. I am sorry, but I can't see myself with a black man. Or 2. Well, you're a nice guy, but we should just remain friends." Or 3. Stop exchanging messages with you.
So we've got things that cause us to back off as well that can't be changed. Like being blind.
I always figured that blind people would be less race picky, but I've learned, they are equally, or even more so then sighted people.
I've asked why, and mostly I've been told it has to do with what the family will think, or, because they've never touched a person of different race as far as they know, they just think it's weird.
Other things as well but these have been the main ones in my experience.
First, I've never met a woman who was attracted to my blindness itself. Might be interesting to meet such folks and pick their brains. Since I'm already taken for the rest of my life, though, they can't have me that way. LOL! Now if I were a single person and wanted to use dating sites which would be a better fit for me than clubs or bars full of loud music I didn't like, I would have to try both approaches and see what happens. As it is, though, I think I would be quite gun-shy about dating at all since in my past it was not an easy thing for me to find anyone sighted who wanted to be more than a friend. You try and date over here and some clown will come in and make some remark about the Zone somehow being a bad place to date. I guess everyone here are actually Russian identity thieves posing as blind people from around the world, eh? LOL!
I would wait until the other person and I got to know each other. If I told
them right away, it would turn them off. I used to go on these chat lines
where people would talk dirty and have phone sex, and this one guy and I
were sending messages back and forth and I didn't tell him right away that I
was blind. I also when I respond to comments on youtube videos, I don't say
that I'm blind unless it has to do with the video. Like for instance I asked a
question relating to when something happened in a video. Someone said that
it said it at the end of the video. While that may have been so, I couldn't
read it so I told them I'm blind so I can't read it.
I still say that I wouldn't be upset to find out someone was a dev, meaning they were attracted to the blindness part for some reason. I'm attracted to tall women, soft fluffy hair and other things. It's not wrong to be attracted to physical characteristics.
I know admitting to physical attractiveness is dambn near counter culture anymore, what with the collusion between the Puritan Right and the Puritan Left, a veritable horseshoe of social norms. But all mental characteristics that one is attracted to are physical too, and some of those fade or change with time as much or more than the physical ones do.
One of the question I would be interested is how a "blind" person can learn or willing to learn to "unblind" themselves? On one hand, 'we' as a general term keep saying that we hate the stereotype that others label us,but have we seriously do our part to destereotype those stereotype?
Hello folks. I have been reading some of the posts on this subject. I remember in 2001, I went to a 4th of July celebration. The girl who was putting it on and I were talking about ways I could get to the party. I told her I can't drive and could only get there if someone drove me. When her and I met, shw was shocked that I am blind and acted as if she didn't know how to handel me at first. so, before I met anyone on a dating sight my blindness would come up because I didn't want this to back fire on me again.
I think I'd rather mention my blindness at first and weed out all the people who, if they found out later, would find a way to wiggle out of the situation. That kind of rejection would feel worse than just getting no responses at all or if I did get any, knowing the person had enough guts to stick around. LOL!